It’s the day before my tribunal. I have felt physically sick and have been shaky all day.
And I have been planning my suicide all day.
Just in case.
Because if they can’t see how my disabilities impact, not only will I financially struggle, but I will have had everything I experience each day invalidated.
I’m not going to live that way.
I don’t ‘live’ but I give the impression I live. To my own detriment.
Pain is constant, but I try to stay as active as I can . To my own detriment.
I struggle to stay here but appear to be engaged with this world. To my own detriment.
Because I have waited a year for a tribunal and have felt invisible. Like this hell is ‘nothing’. That somehow these things are all in my head. Somehow my pain is my own doing.
I read a comment somewhere today. It said something like, ‘Don’t blame the DWP. Don’t blame the government for all this. This is down to individuals not preparing for their assessments properly.’
Really? Is that right?
I struggle to prepare a cup of tea.
I do blame DWP. I do blame the government. They have answered none of my questions. They wash their hands of us.
We are nothing to them.
I am nothing.