“Every day is a battle within me fighting against my suicidal thoughts”

When I first applied for PIP, I had to go to an assessment in the City Centre (I am agoraphobic with BPD and CPTSD with suicidal ideation and hear voices).  I had my Carer with me and by the time I got into the room with the assessor, who was a nurse, my panic was in full swing. I was visibly shaking and within a few minutes of the assessment she ‘accidentally’ set off her panic alarm, which startled me and I began hyperventilating.

My Carer asked that the assessment be brought to a close, she refused and continued with a barrage of questions. Eventually, the assessment ended and my Carer and I made our way to the reception area…. where I passed out and required a paramedic to attend, who told me that my anxiety was so bad that my body couldn’t take the strain and that’s why I passed out.

Now my PIP is due for reassessment and in light of Stephen Smith, I honestly believe that I am going to be pushed over the edge. The form hasn’t arrived yet, but already my anxiety is through the roof. I’m so scared that I am going to be left with nothing and that I will be forced to go through mandatory reconsiderations and appeals, I can’t fight anymore, I am weak.

Every day is a battle within me fighting against my suicidal thoughts, I just don’t want to be killed by my own hands or by the state. I didn’t ask to be ill and I shouldn’t be punished for it. Life is even more precious when you have attempted suicide and to have it threatened for the sake of making profit is sickening to the Nth degree.  I and all others must be valued, otherwise how are we to recover?

 

Trying to stay Alive

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